Tuesday, June 24, 2014


The emotional pain that I have inside me almost seems bountiless at times, like a sea of eternal darkness where no destination is chartered or any protection from the cruel elements is given. There are some stories of things that have happened in my life that I will never ever know the answer to and this story once again is one of those, and sadly, I know I could never ever get over the devastion my heart and soul has felt and nor will I ever know the truth behind the events that transpired as even tonight I, 3 years later, have gotten yet another version of these events from my wife. Here's the accounts as I was told ...


So around January 2010, my wife says she thinks she may be pregnant because she knows when she's pregnant. We had then been only married for a few weeks and like any father to be, this was some of the greatest news I had ever heard and I had no doubt that she knew exactly what she was talking about because she had already given birth to 3 kids before.

We went to a chemist in Melville, Johannesburg. The chemist was one of those that was open a little later than the others and I went in and bought the pregnancy test. We then went to the KFC, close to Campus Square, where she went in and 'completed' the pregnancy test. She came out to the car where I waited, climbed in and told me the good news.

Almost as though God himself had given me a vision to see the future, I asked her whether she was going to keep the child ( which obviously I wanted ) or abort it, as that seemed to be the depth of depravity which glazed across her drug filled eyes. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said she wanted to keep it and I was more than satisfied with that answer. Perhaps the word I'm looking for is elated or as a phrase, best feeling that I had ever felt and I'm sure that any father would agree and tell you that news of a child is the best news any married man could get, especially with someone who had his heart.

I'm going to jump ahead a little bit here and tell you that one day she just stopped contacting me ( remembering that she didn't live with me at the time ), she stopped seeing me, stopped answering my calls. I wept the first night and my heart was torn. Where was my wife, my pregnant wife? What would happen now? Would I ever see my child or her again?

Now here lies a story within a story which I will cover again when I have the time but unbeknownst to me, she had hooked up with her previous boyfriend, who coincidentally was also feeding her drug habit. So one day I get an early morning call and she said she was spotting and that she would like to see a gynaecologist. Firstly, I was surprised at having heard from her at all and secondly, what man wouldn't want to hear from his wife and mother of his future child?

I agreed and picked her up at her house. She told me that she knows there are good doctors at Lenmed facility in Lenasia. I then took her there, driving all the way from Centurion. I was happy that once again I was reunited with her and everything that had happened prior was almost certainly forgiven. We went to the gynae who inspected her and the only problem I found was when the doctor asked when the last time we had sex was ... to save her virtue I said Tuesday, it was Friday, and the doctor frowned. She then said, if that were true then there's a lot of extra, let's say 'fluid' there. My heart broke yet again because it only meant that perhaps someone else had added their 'fluid' to the mix.

Well the main thing is that all was fine, the baby was developing well and it's mother was well. We then had lunch and I took her home. It would be perhaps 2 months since I would see her again but through no fault of mine but rather because she once again ceased communication and cut me totally out of her life barring me from seeing her or finding out about my child.

One morning, as before, she called me and asked me to meet her. I met her at the Caltex garages in Midrand where she had arrived in her parents Jeep and I in my BMW. I parked the car and climbed into hers. Yet again I was ecstatic that I was in her presence again. I was consumed by my love for her and I mean that in the best meaning of the word. I hugged her, bought us something to eat and sat by her. She had something she had to tell me and I was all ears. Here's Version 1 of the story:

After showing me a sonar of the baby, a picture, she said that our son, Aryaan, that was the name we had chosen, was no longer there. There were complications and she had aborted our child for medical reasons. This story she apparently had shared with her parents also. It made sense, it was well rounded and totally believable.

My heart broke! I mean you could never feel that kind of pain or even begin to imagine what that would feel like, unless perhaps you've been in this exact same position. I really can't express to you the feeling of loss and dread I had eating me up inside. I fought the tears and I fought hard but my fighting wasn't enough and we both sat and cried. I thanked her for letting me know and life moved on. 

Later on Version 2 of the story appeared and it went like this:

Her father and family had found out that she was pregnant. Now because she already had three children to take care of, without any job or money, her father had, in her mind, influenced her to have an abortion and that it would've been a huge strain on the family, financially if they had to take care of yet another child. What kind of future would the child have? How would they get by?

This story angered me and obviously made me hate her father, parents and family! You would've felt the same way trust me. What kind of morality is that? Who teaches their children to abort babies for reasons such as that? I was horrified and sickened. Version 1 was easily swallowed but knowing a healthy foetus was killed for such a stupid reason because I could obviously support the child made know sense to me.

Now before you start thinking about this too much, let me relate Version 3 to you...

Ok so I mentioned before that I didn't know that she was seeing her ex-boyfriend again. Why would I? She was my newly married wife? Nobody's that morally devoid are they? Well Version 3 goes around that. She was seeing her boyfriend and they were doing drugs together and partying like life was the best it could ever be. In order for her to continue her relationship with him, she couldn't have my child because, God forbid, how would that look? She also told me that since she hadn't seen me or heard from me, it didn't make sense for her to have my child and she decided to abort the child. How many husbands do you think would love to hear such a story. Now because she appeared extremely honest and open, I believed this story and I suppose would've always believed it until one day she told me about Version 4....

Here's Version 4. She had to have the abortion because she had taken so much drugs and partied so hard with her boyfriend that the baby had become deformed inside her. There was nothing anyone could do to save the baby and our child's life was ended due to this. This version enraged me totally. It had been her own actions that had ended the life of my child! How irresponsible was that? What kind of person would do that? She had 3 kids already so why would she do this to our baby? Again because she said this was the truth and was open about it, I appreciated the truth and forgave her somewhat in my heart.

So throughout 2011, this is what I was fed about the loss of our child. It is now June 2014 and now another story had popped up. What infuriates me the most is, she has been the one telling me the reasons she had the abortion, no one else but each time the story is told it changes it seems to fan her ego and make her come across as the better person so once again tonight, 24th June 2014, 3 years after I put all this as fact in my heart, she gives me Version 5! Yes there's a Version 5!!!

Here's the new improved 2014 Version of the abortion and murder of my child.... wait for it, it now goes like this:

So after all the pain and anguish I felt over the past 3 years, this is the reason I get now. Apparently, she now tells me that all the other stories, I had perceived the way I told them and, get this, she told me those fantastic stories because that's exactly what I expected from her?!!!!!!!! What the hell?!

Ok so I'm going to tell you why this story is perhaps the biggest lie of them all:

1. Her family, friends and I know she had been sleeping around - FACT
2. She was using a ton of drugs at the time - FACT
3. There was a baby and then there wasn't - FACT

Perhaps I should leave you the reader to figure this one out because I can tell you that she's now able to act as though anything she has done prior to recent events were all a figment of my twisted imagination and to that I can only shake my head and say, I wish it was.....

Maybe God will reveal the truth to me one day but clearly a woman who can lie, cheat and throw all moral to the wind as though it were nothing, is someone whose very words cannot be trusted or am I wrong? How would you feel if you were me? What would you have done? Does anyone deserve to go through and be put through this kind of hell?