Thursday, January 30, 2014
YOU CAN’T CHOOSE WHO YOU LOVE ... OR CAN YOU?
When my first marriage ended and my second wife became my focus, somewhere in the loud silence within the far reaches of my mind a tiny light glimmered. The light bearing something earth shattering to knowing myself. How long had this light been there? I really can’t tell you but what started out as a flicker in an abyss of darkness started throbbing and growing.
The light was the realisation which would forever change my thoughts and question my very sanity and the functioning of my heart and soul. The light was the dawning of a sad and honest reflection of who I was truly deep inside and what it was my heart wanted.
Now I could use words such as sadistic and narcissism but I could go on and on about that. The light that I speak of was the knowledge that I seemed to be attracted to a specific kind of woman. Sadly, it seems my life plan had wavered very far of course that I could and still can’t see where it started. How did I get to this? Why did I become like this?
Perhaps it stems in a Freudian fashion back to my own mother and my feelings toward her. My mother was strong and demanding, a true patriarch, the kind of woman who took charge and got things done. The matriarch set the standard for all women in me and my siblings lives to forever bask in that shadow without a chance of getting close to as virtuous or decent as she was.
So how far of course had my path diverged, you may be wondering? What’s so special about my love of a certain kind of woman and the realisation thereof? Let me break it down this way and then you may understand this just a little more:
- Married for 10 years
- Had a poor relationship with her parents and family
- Had sex with her cousin on an ongoing basis
- Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Manic Depression
- Suffered a few miscarriages while we were married
- Was a pathological liar
- Had 2 children while we were married, one of which I know is mine
- Slept with different men for the duration of her pregnancies
- Claimed she slept with her boss so that her review would always be good and not get Any warnings
- Slept with men in parking lots, our bed and our home
- Fond of taking any kind of prescription drugs
- Institutionalised for bipolar disorder
- Became and married a lesbian / same sex partner whom she met while getting help
- Was married before and had 3 children divorced at 26
- Cheated on her first husband many times with a married man
- Married for nearly 2 weeks before she started cheating
- Aborted our child because she wanted a relationship with her ex-boyfriend, while we were married
- Enjoyed being a regular drug user to the point of being an addict
- Met and slept with men from Facebook
- Disappeared with my best friend of nearly 20 years for 7 hours and thus ending our friendship
- Has a strange affinity to her brother the surpasses normal affection
- Has “daddy issues”
- Was raped 4 times in her life
- Is a pathological liar
- Slept with co-workers and bosses to the point where it’s cost her her career
I could go on and on but I’m sure you get the picture by now. I seem to be attracted to these kinds of women. They show no real love or affection like the rest of us and a relationship with these kind of people are only to the detriment of the other person.
I really have no idea why I’m drawn to these women, it’s not like my mother didn’t warn me against these kinds of women but perhaps somehow, somewhere, I must get off on this. The realisation was definitely an eye opener and also almost certainly may suggest the I may need psychological help from a therapist of some sort to help me out.I do know that if I'm attracted to anyone it must mean that there's something wrong with the person, a 'spider-sense' if you will or perhaps a specialised radar, but whatever you want to call it, know that it just means that I should probably be better off staying away from that person.
I will ask you this question one more time and this time really think about it for a moment, you cant choose who you love.... or can you?