Friday, November 8, 2013
Now anyone that’s read my posts will know by now that when I start a story that goes “I have a friend...” knows who I’m really talking about. This story is no exception so without further ado let’s proceed with today’s story entitled:
YOU DON’T DO DRUGS SO YOU’RE NOT WELCOME IN MY HOUSE
So right, I have this friend, let’s call him Jerry. Jerry married this woman ... her name is ... well today let’s call her Becky. Becky had divorced her husband because well he wasn’t nice and she had an affair and the guilt ate at her so that relationship was pretty much doomed. They did however have 3 children together.
Okay, let’s get back to Jerry, before Jerry married Becky, she had made him go speak to her father because in her paranoiac mind she figured out some plot against her and Jerry by her ex-husband and her brother. Jerry, being the gentleman he was, and believing through his love-filled rose tainted glasses that his beloved would never play him for the fool, proceeded to go and speak to her father.
Jerry was honest and told her father exactly how much he felt for Becky and so on. Nothing was ever the same after that again. The next time they would meet, Becky’s dad nicely refused to let him past the driveway gate. He had stood in the rain that night when he was denied access to their house.
Jerry and Becky then decided to get married, with Becky finding the correct religious advisor to perform the marriage and also a place for the marriage to take place as well as a time. This was done unbeknownst to her parents.
As time went by Jerry started noticing something about Becky, her friends and her family. He couldn’t meet Becky at home, due to her father’s animosity towards him so she made elaborate plans with what she called her friends in a way that they would fetch her and take her to wherever she could meet Jerry.
Becky’s so called friends who were allowed in the house, to sleep there and Lord knows do what also, were okay for Becky’s father to have associate with his daughter. These friends were less than desirable compared to Jerry. Jerry had worked hard all his life and his career was moving forward. He was stable and pleasant both in character and demeanour.
Becky’s first friend, let’s call him Bob was far older than Becky. He had met her when she was 13 and he was way older and had tried to entice her to him by buying her a jeans. The story goes that they had been friends ever since.
Becky’s other partner in crime was her cousin, let’s call her Fiona. Fiona, if memory serves me correctly had gone through having regular abortions at the rate of about 1 every 2 years from the age of 12 or 14.
Both of Becky’s friends were regular drug users. They did drugs daily and with Becky. Jerry didn’t know this of course till long afterwards. So these were the friends that Becky and her family deemed fit to be around their daughter. Jerry tried again to enter Becky’s house but was once again denied.
In the meantime, Fiona and Bob were allowed to come and go as often as they liked. Taking Becky away from Jerry and convincing her that Jerry was bad. Becky did drugs with them and even though she was under the watchful eye of her parents, she had the world to explore with her two friends by her side.
About a year later after things had cooled down and Jerry was allowed back into Becky parents house, he asked her father how it was that drug addicts and whores were allowed to associate with his daughter but he, Jerry, who had never touched drugs or did anything as vile as they did was not allowed to come inside, the father then replied....
“We didn’t know they were using drugs.”
You can imagine how shocked Jerry was. Apparently most of Becky’s peers and community knew she was a drug user and the kind of reputation these friends had. I would even go so far as to say that her siblings and ex-husband also knew.
Jerry’s perspective will forever and always be that he wasn’t allowed into that house but drug addicts, users and women who would have made more money by charging their bedfellows for their services were.
Moral of this story, be very careful who you choose to chase away from your house and who you allow into your house. You may be shocked at what lurks in those hallowed rooms within your abode.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Sometime in 2009, my brother practically begged me to see the ‘website’ he had created for his stepson. Eventually I clicked on the link and to my surprise I saw something that I liked and this piqued my curiosity. I then asked him question after question on how he did that, was it easy, could i do it?
For years my passion has been movies and TV shows. Movies, I guess because it always felt like family bonding moments whenever we rented movies. Movies, as I’m sure the feeling is for everyone, is really escapism into other worlds or realities, away from the dreary day to day life.
So naturally my first blog was going to be about movies. I found a template and immediately started learning to navigate Blogger until I became accustomed to it. Any help I needed, I consulted my brother or Googled it. I posted reviews about movies I had seen, expressing my opinions for the world to see. Everyday after work I’d come home and check my stats. Were there any pageviews? What else could I write about?
I wasn’t obsessed, but rather excited at the fact that anything I wrote about could be expelled onto the net for the entire world to see. I wrote on and off and in 2010 my life changed a bit with a new job and baby girl. It was then that I created a blog for my daughter also, documenting her birth in photos.
I blogged until around October 2010 and never touched it again until July 2012! In this absence, alot changed in the world of blogging. I needed to change my template again. There were now literally hundreds of sites with them and codes for all kinds of widgets. I also found Google Adsense and Google Plus which I now used. It didn’t hurt of course to add some social networking in the form of Twitter and Facebook pages which automatically updated whenever I posted something new.
Due to an unfortunate turn of events, I stopped blogging again as life took it’s toll once more. I then started blogging again in April 2013. Here’s where something changed. To my surprise when I logged in, I found that my pageviews were in the tens of thousands, that I had followers on Facebook and Twitter and that I was actually earning money even though I hadn’t touched the blog in months.
I once again changed my template to update with the times. There were even more templates to choose from across the web. I fixed my blog to look more professional and kept watching as my blogs pageviews multiplied. Then around the beginning of October 2013, I was ecstatic to have received my first cheque from Google for my work on my blogs.
You can imagine my amazement because what started out as a hobby and a passion had actually turned into money. From life experiences, I’ve found that money and passion seldom agree with each other. As I write this, I see my next cheque is already on the way. I really enjoy blogging and look forward to doing it for a very long time.
So if you’ve found something you’re passionate about, write about it.Who knows, your passion could also turn into some welcomed cash.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Okay so imagine you meet a nice girl and you two hit it off. You love that she’s intelligent and can keep a good conversation. You two start a relationship and bond on emotional, physical and even spiritual levels. Like so many guys who meet girls, this is typical hoe a relationship begins and continues. It’s communication that essentially is the metaphorical ‘glue’ between any couple.
Part of the bonding is sharing stories with each other, the intimate details of your life, morals and perhaps even experience. You totally open up to the other and trust is built. I think anyone that has had any kind of relationship must surely understand what I’m saying.
One such story during the bonding phase goes like this...
I heard one of the most private secrets spoken off the soft lips of a loved one. She told me that when she was in matric and doing her final exams, her grandmother, on her father’s side asked her and her father to undergo a paternity test to prove that she was indeed her father’s daughter. She said she was under immense stress and could hardly cope with writing exams and going through the emotional trauma of a paternity test.
My heart broke and I really didn’t know what to say. A thousand different things went through my head, least of all, I pondered then if her grandmother was questioning her paternity that really implied that her own mother must’ve done something to have an entire family wondering such a thing. I looked into her eyes and asked if she knows why her grandmother would endure both her and her father to such a test and she responded saying she didn’t know.
What does one really say when you hear such a story. It’s a complex mixture of personal history intertwined with emotion and inner turmoil. One that’s possibly unimaginable unless you yourself have gone through such an experience.
Right, now flash forward two years into the future. The woman is now the ripe old age of 31. Her father sits in front of us. We now have a child of our own, a little boy. The only problem is, she admitted having an affair with her ex-boyfriend during the marriage and one of the things in question is the paternity of our own child. This unsurety comes from a message I intercepted on her phone where when chatting online to her ex-boyfriend’s cousin, she was asked if who the father of her child was, to which she replied her husband. Then she was told that the child looked like someone else and questioned how sure she was. She then replied with an oh and said she’d have to look.
So here she sits, with her dad and I. Trying to reach out to her dad, I said he should appreciate the questioning of paternity of our son because he too experienced it when he and his daughter went through it and thus understanding my predicament.
Imagine to my amazement when her father turns around to me and says he has NO IDEA WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!! No such event ever happened! The two of us sat dumbfounded and confused. The entire story was a lie! He’s daughter had nothing to further say, instead she tried to make up more excuses.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
We work very hard every day to live what we all consider our dreams. For some of us it’s just the basics that matter, a roof over our head and food on the table, anything else you can afford after that is I suppose considered wealth.
Now back to the “roof over our head” bit. It seems in South Africa, one of the best, let’s call it living situations is in what we call Townhouse Complexes. These complexes provide a safety net or safety in numbers. Lots of families, living in bricked up houses and feeling safe behind six foot walls with electric fences. These complexes are common place and litter the landscape all along our cities. Even these have levels relating to wealth, with the extremely rich having all kinds of protection against the outside world including fingerprint / handprint identification, guest verification and so on.
Why would we hide behind these electrified walls? To be safe against whatever the world may throw at us? While living like this may be considered freedom and really, few of us even know our neighbours or even their names other than a smile and a wave now and again, this is really sub-conscious prison walls we’ve thrown up around us.
Let’s look at the differences or similarities. Electrified fence – CHECK. Guards at a gate – CHECK. Walls higher than we can climb – CHECK. Perhaps the only difference is that unlike jail, we report to landlords instead of jailors and we’ve chosen to live like this, whereas in jail there’s no choice. I’m sure I could go on and on about the similarities but I’m sure you get the idea.
We have now as a civilised nation really jailed ourselves all with a notion of safety. Whilst I realise that South Africa is one of the most crime infested countries in the world, I find myself asking how is this living if we’re all cooped up in these self – inflicted jail cells? Guess at the end of the day it’s all a matter of perspective isn’t it?
Check out the into song for the TV show Weeds, I think it describes it aptly...
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Now in all honesty I truly believe in the good in people. When given any choice they will make the right choice. Now I hear some of you laughing. Perhaps it’s naive but I try not to be too cynical. So when your partner is on Social Networking platforms like Facebook, Whatsapp, Mxit even Linkedin, you shouldn’t have any serious concerns because you know your partner won’t do anything wrong or get mixed up with strange things.
When I married my second wife, the Imam said, “don’t let Facebook become a problem.” I smiled and my wife and I left. It bothered me then and after all I’ve been through, it still bothers me. Had Facebook become such a problem that holy men were talking about it to newlyweds?
Now I’ve read stories where people have changed their relationship status to ‘single’ while they were still in a relationship and this caused real issues in there lives. I myself am no stranger to things that happen online but the question I’m posing here is do you really wan to blame all these Social Networking platforms? With technology today, we have everything at our fingertips, so should you monitor and perhaps even block your partner?
My answer simply is that of so many gun owners, guns don’t kill people, people kill people. Shouldn’t this philosophy extend itself to something like Facebook and the like? Can you really blame social networking or is it the responsibility of the person using it?
Now at the same time I hear people saying but rather perhaps abstain from using it, problem solved right? Wrong, sure abstinence could work but where do you draw the line? Where does it stop? Before you know it you’re living in a technology free household and holding onto a false sense of security.
Let me say this to you, if you don’t trust your partner on any internet forum then perhaps the problem is actually between you and your partner, not the platform. The platform mainly provides a service and how it’s used depends totally on the person using it. You will literally drive yourself crazy trying to stop what will probably be the inevitable anyway...
According to PsychCentral in a post entitled "FACEBOOK CAN DAMAGE A RELATIONSHIP" the following was found:
"For many, social networking sites are integral to relationships, but a new study finds that Facebook use could actually damage users’ romantic relationships."Researchers from the University of Missouri found that individuals who use Facebook excessively are far more likely to experience Facebook-related conflict with their romantic partners.
This acrimony can cause negative relationship outcomes including emotional and physical cheating, breakup and divorce.
In the study, researcher Russell Clayton and collegues surveyed Facebook users ages 18 to 82 years old. Participants were asked to describe how often they used Facebook and how much, if any, conflict arose between their current or former partners as a result of Facebook use.
The researchers found that high levels of Facebook use among couples significantly predicted Facebook-related conflict, which then significantly predicted negative relationship outcomes such as cheating, breakup, and divorce."
To read more from PsychCentral click here
THE QUEEN OF DENIAL
A MULTI EPISODE STORY
Ok so when you write true or actual stories you can’t use real names and so on, thus I will use alternate names. Next, you know when someone tells you a story about a ‘friend’ and the story’s actually about themselves? Well in that same vane.... this is a story about a ‘friend’. Lastly, due to the length of the story, I am forced to split the story up into a few parts.
Bear with me and enjoy. Here goes nothing....
Right so I have this friend who met a woman. They were second cousins and had met on one occasion before almost 15 years ago. She was 15 then and he was 21. He always had thought of her like a baby sister. Call him Jack and call her, well let’s just call her Trouble.Here we are 15 years later, the year is 2010. One of them receives a friend request from the other and after years of absence, the two are brought back together through social networking. He was a successful retail employee and was a Store Manager at the time, She had studied marketing and had completed her degree.
The 2 were happy to be joined again and she even went so far as to call him that very same night. He was busy working in his store and she was at home. She told him she was married before and had 3 children from her previous husband at the ripe old age of 26. He couldn’t believe it because he had imagined so much for her when they had met before. The two started talking and chatting and it wasn’t long till she visited him at work. The first time she visited him, she was dropped off by her ex-husband and he actually thought nothing of it.
They felt connected. He really liked the attention she gave him and it didn’t hurt that she was as beautiful as only God’s creation can be. He was happy. He then started visiting her at her parent’s house where she lived. Her children lived there with her also. He lived in Centurion, Pretoria and she lived in Triomf, Johannesburg.He was so happy with her, the kind of happiness that extends past the physical to a whole other level. He was kind to her, spoke sweet words to her. His love for her only grew stronger and stronger each time they were together. One day she suggested to him they get a hotel room for an evening. He was actually shocked by this but willingly agreed.
When they finally had sex and they were done, she got up and asked “so what does it feel like to be inside me?” She then nonchalantly got up and showered. He looked past these sign and three months later they were married. December 26th 2010 was their magical.... only that’s when things took a turn for the worse! It wasn’t long till he realised that the sweet, beautiful woman he thought he had married was something totally different...
To be continued in Episode 2 >>>
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
THE SWEET TASTE OF GOSSIP
No matter where you go or where you may find yourself, there’s gossip. It doesn’t matter whether or not you stay at home and bother no one or go out and be amongst lots of people, gossip will always be there.
The saying goes ‘loose lips, sink ships’ and it’s no truer now than when it was first uttered. Whether you listen to gossip or spread gossip, it’s all damaging. Gossip in itself is usually speculatory at best and though there may be tiny traces of the truth, 9 times out of 10 gossip never has a single leg to stand on.
The plain and simple fact is that people in any circumstance will talk about other people. Perhaps it’s just human nature or a general curiosity but whatever the reason, it seems to be more prevalent amongst small minded people.
The consequences of this irresponsible behaviour can be totally tiny, causing no ripples at all in anyone’s lives or it can be totally devastating. Lives can be ruined, marriages can be ruined and friendships can be ruined and all this by a few words of the tongue. They literally can sow the seeds of anyone’s destruction.
A word of advice may be to ignore those who choose to spend their time talking about others. Chances are that if people are talking to you about someone they’re also talking to someone about you. Don’t be surprised if you hear stories about you or even that you were the originator of the gossip and all you did was lend an ear or comment.
A few basic rules about gossip may be:
· Refraining from talking about other people
· Avoid or deter conversations that include other people’s private lives
· Don’t entertain any gossip which may come your way
The worst case scenario is when gossip and ‘tiny’ untruths become the truth and by this I mean the gossip actually replaces the truth. People’s lives are irrevocably changed because of it and in the tale-spin reputation and respect thrown to the wayside and lost forever..
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
REAL LIFE – THE MOVIE! GET YOUR TICKETS HERE
The nice thing about watching TV shows or movies is that nine times out of ten there’s a happy ending, bar some strange horror and science – fiction movies. The scripts are well written and the story comes to an end with everyone understanding the plot and character motives. Scenes are played out where each character knows exactly how to answer a question and perfect timing and thought in any conversation.
If Shakespeare truly said ‘all the world’s a stage...’ then truly we’re in an extremely badly written play. Who truly knows exactly what anyone else’s motives really are. You have a conversation with someone and find yourself reliving the chat in your head long after it’s done. Perhaps you find a better way to reply to the other person or re-evaluate the entire chat altogether... who knows but one thing is definitely for sure, there’s no end to the movie, no credits rolling just the next random scene of life.
As for plots, villains and heroes, we all are perhaps so jaded that we are all the heroes in our own little universes. Nothing we do is really wrong, it’s the other person. Don’t let someone tell you a different way of doing something or lecture you. They had no right to! Who are they to talk to you like that? Truth be told, in these world’s there seem to be many villains. The woman who took your parking at the mall then the person who got the promotion you were supposed to get and so it goes.
Life may truly be a clichéd series of moments, savour the happy and great moments and bounce back after the bad. Take stock of the people who love you and have allowed you into their lives. Look to the happy moments and appreciate every single one of them. Truly there’s so much to be had in life, no matter how bad things get, that we need to focus on those happy moments and drown out whatever negativity may stand in our way. The good truly drowns the bad, every single time.
Go out there and live! Who cares who said what and what you could’ve said or done differently. Whatever’s happened has happened and nothing can be done to change it. Move on, move forward and continue to learn from good and bad encounters.
Monday, September 30, 2013
8:53 PM By Hashem Mohamed
GET A JOB ... EVEN WITH BAD CREDIT! APPLY TODAY!
Does bad credit really equate to your skills as an employee? It seems this is where the South African Job market is at the moment. There are millions of people, extremely capable people who are skilled, maybe even multi skilled, and they just can’t get work in this country due to a bad credit rating against their name and that’s the unfortunate truth. Ironically, how does one pay up or fix their bad credit scores if they can’t get a job to earn the cash needed to pay up their debt?
Now don’t get me wrong, that in itself is not the only barrier here. It seems companies have now turned to the newly outsourced Human Resource Agencies to employ people rather than doing it internally. It seems like every graduate of any Human Resource certificate, Diploma or Degree now turns to the safety in numbers strategy by joining these agencies. Kudos to them! The problem however is that when these people interview any candidate they’re honestly thinking of the payoff should they get someone employed into whichever company they’re screening for.
At the end of the day money talks and that’s the God’s truth. I have sat at many of these interviews myself and one thing I’ve picked up consistently is that these Human Resource Agencies don’t really know much about the jobs they’re interviewing candidates for and it’s almost as though their eyes glisten with dollar signs in them and no real care for the person in front of them or the company they’re providing a service to.
So it’s money, money, money right? Isn’t that what makes the world go round? Now when these Human Resource Agencies see that you have the skill they will hunt you down but let them sniff out that you have bad credit, you can almost see the sadness and they give up. You realise deep inside you that you will never speak to any prospective company and no matter how you’d like to plea that door is now shut.
Perhaps companies in a country like this should have their own Human Resource / Personnel department who can determine for themselves a future employee’s worth based on their skill levels and not just their credit ratings. The dreadful South African job market and the huge amount of unemployed people should make government relook their strategies and reconsider whether or not bad credit should be a deterrent to anyone getting a job.
My question here is why not employ people regardless of their credit scores as you would be ignorant to believe that employees in any company don’t have bad credit themselves. Whatever reason anyone gives you for that would just be redundant. Perhaps when these Human Resource Agencies do their interviews and screw up their noses at you for having bad credit should flash their own individual credit scores and imagine the surprise then.... just a thought.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Looking back at your life, you start reflecting, thinking and analysing. Memories have a way of washing and cleansing itself of certain details but mostly of negativity and sadness. Things just seem as though they were better. You laughed, you cried, you loved and the world kept going.
When you’re sitting in that lonely corner and the world has turned it’s back on you with darkness illuminating every ounce of your being , the honest to God fact is that it’s your own fault. What do I mean by that? Ok let me elaborate, wherever you are in your life at the moment you’re reading this is the sum of all the choices you’ve made. All roads have led you here.
More often than not it is so easy to blame anyone or someone else for our misfortune. So and so did this to me, so and so caused me to lose my job, it’s because of so and so I lost everything. Honestly however, we should all stop blaming others and take total responsibility for what’s happened in our own lives. I guess it’s very easy to blame someone else for our losses or things that have happened than to accept our own failures.
Life wasn’t meant to be easy and yes, some people were born into tough circumstances while others seem to always get everything they want. It always pays to remember that wherever your life began, that’s not how it has to end. Each time we fail we should hold our heads up high, learn from our mistakes and move on knowing that we are better people.
It’s easier said than done right? Wrong! You’ve got to reach down to that powerful light inside you and get up. Find that motivation, that driving force that keeps you going and lift yourself up. For example, twice in my life I have had nothing. Once when I was 19, I was homeless and relied on random friends for a place to sleep and some food. I was fortunate enough to have people who could assist me where they could but life wasn’t easy and I blamed everyone else for my misfortune. One of my friends gave me a ring to hold on to which I still have to this day. I now look at the ring and am reminded that I had nothing but also the courage to lift myself up and create a whole new life for myself.So what I’m trying to say is that we all should take some if not all of the responsibility for where we are in our lives and if it’s not where you imagined it, don’t blame someone else, do something about it. The power lies in your choices and in your hands, nobody elses
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Like with so many of the options you have in life or different careers or even money making schemes, there are people who sit on top and have made it. You hear success stories like a video goes viral on Youtube and suddenly someone becomes a celebrity with million dollar contracts, a girl gets noticed in a restaurant and becomes a big Hollywood star and so these stories go, well the same can be said for blogging.
People are looking for the “make money from home” scheme ( and boy there are many ) using the least amount of effort and time. It’s only natural that blogging would become one such thing. Google “how to make money blogging” and see how many results there are. There are literally millions of pages on the topic. Somewhere inside you, you should realise that if there are so many people with so many answers then there must be a catch. Why are there so many people that know how to do this, yet you and I don’t really personally know anyone in our immediate circles do we?
Ok, admittedly, I’m sure there are people out the making cash from blogging and probably good money but for you and me, are these things out of reach? Globally there must be hundreds of millions of blogs, each with it’s own personality, writing styles or lack thereof and so many platforms to use, so what chance do the rest of us stand to make even 1 single cent?
You get told that you need to bounce off social networking platforms like Facebook, Twitter, Pin It etc etc. People will even tell you your posts need to be no longer than 300 words while others encourage you to write till you feel you’re done. Some will tell you to add pictures to your blog posts to make your writing attractive and again the lessons carry on and on. There are even people that will help you for a small nominal fee ( that’s their get rich scheme I guess ) with advice to make us all multi millionaires.
I believe like with so many other things in life that money shouldn’t be your primary concern but rather your second or maybe none at all. Whatever you choose to write on should be honest and from your experience and most of all should be sincere and something you’re totally passionate about. Write from your knowledge and from your heart and if you actually make money from it, good for you.
Good luck and remember, if you’re not having fun doing it then you probably shouldn’t be doing it at all.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Why Do Women Cheat?
That must be the question on the lips of anyone who ever loved a woman and had her cheat on you. Circumstances for every situation are different and therefore cannot be given one single universal answer. Maybe you made her angry, maybe that’s her personality, who knows, but whatever the reason or factors are, the fact remains, she cheated on you...
I have been married twice and twice I’ve had the same result. One has bipolar disorder and the other a pathological liar. Sure, I could blame this on the women and totally hate women but honestly perhaps this all stems from my poor personal choices.
Wife 1 worked as a store manager for a retail concern. I helped her, coached her till she grew in her career. I gave her a house, food on the table and a beautiful BMW. Was this enough? Nope! She slept with her boss, a security guard and the guy who fixed our brakes.... hell, i could go on with this list but I’m sure you get the picture. The excuse given when confronted is “it’s your fault”!
My fault?! I just wanted a wife to take care of, look after and love till my dying breath. Today she's in a same sex relationship with someone she met at a mental disorder clinic!
Wife 2 had a serious drug problem, huge daddy issues, emotionally unstable etc etc. When we met she pretended to be someone more ‘normal’ and when she couldn’t keep up the lie anymore, she couldn’t live with it and turned to drugs and her ex boyfriend. Nice right?! Here’s the interesting part, we just had a child together, the boy was barely even 2 months old and she started flirting with various men on Facebook.
One promised her a job for sex and when I found out, she just shrugged and said “It’s a game, you don’t understand” ( my favourite excuse by the way ) and “you nipped it in the bud”. She also took the job..... should I mention I cried for seven days?
I could tell you that I found my first girlfriend, as a teenager, kissing some guy in my parents driveway and many other stories but that’s of no consequence to this tale. All I’m saying is it seems that no matter what you do, what you give, how much you dedicate yourself, it doesn’t matter, things will happen. So what do you do?
Well you can stay and hope for the best, forgive her and move on or you could just thank God for small miracles and walk away. I do have a problem with the forgiveness part as it’s directly linked to forgetting. So if you can forgive and forget, do it but if somewhere in your heart you can’t, then don’t lie to yourself, do the right thing and move on.