Tuesday, September 2, 2014



This article for me is extremely informative and again may provide some background to my relationships especially to that relating to my second wife. She cheated on me several times and confessed this to me and her family but the true extent of her cheating may never ever be known to anyone but her. Anyone who has ever been in a relationship with a cheater knows exactly how this cycle works as painful and as hurtful as it may be. Read this study and gain some sort of understanding to those people who chose to violate the sanctity of their marriages / relationships:

"It is said that when a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy.
And research suggests the saying may well be right. Partners who are “poached” from others are more likely to cheat in their new relationship, psychologists have found.
Relationships that are formed by stealing someone’s partner are also more likely to be unhappy generally and are at a higher risk of break-up.
Scientists from the University of South Alabama asked 443 men and women how much they agreed with a series of statements to gauge their levels of commitment and satisfaction in their relationships.
The statements included “I am aware that there are plenty more ‘fish in the sea’”, “I rarely notice other good-looking or attractive people” and “our relationship makes me very happy”.
Between 10 percent and 30 percent of participants in each of the studies said they were in relationships that began when they left one romantic partner for another.
Professor Joshua Foster, lead author of the studies by the University of South Alabama, said: “Individuals who were poached by their current romantic partners were less committed, less satisfied, and less invested in their relationships.”
They also paid more attention to romantic alternatives, perceived their alternatives to be of higher quality, and engaged in higher rates of infidelity compared to non-poached participants.’
The results, published in the Journal of Research in Personality, also showed that those who left one partner for another were more likely to possess negative personality traits such as being self-absorbed, vain or arrogant, as the scientists expected.
But they were surprised to find that “introverts” were more likely to be poached than extroverts.
“The introversion finding was surprising because previous research suggested that people who get a lot of poaching attempts tend to have outgoing personalities (they’re extroverted),” Professor Foster said.
“But we found that people who are successfully poached are the opposite, that is socially passive. It might be that being outgoing puts you in a position to get a lot of attempts - perhaps simply because you’re around people more - but being passive makes you more likely to go along with the attempts and actually get poached.”
[SOURCE - iol.co.za]

Thursday, August 28, 2014


I read this the other day and thought to myself, within this article lies something which may provide an answer to me specifically regarding my 2nd wife's behaviour. Needless to say, I really don't have a tally on how many people she's slept with and together with her drug usage and dissociative moments, I'm pretty sure that she doesn't either. If you read on you will see that one's happiness within marriage tends to sway depending on the amount of people you've slept with .... the I have "options" drama, well that's what this study suggests.....

Women who had many lovers before they wed are more likely to go on to have unhappy marriages, a study claims.

But, the research suggests, this does not appear to apply to men – who apparently can play the field before tying the knot without fear of any detrimental effect on their future marital bliss.
More than half of women (53 percent) who had only ever slept with their future husband felt highly satisfied in their marriage, falling to 42 percent for those who have had two partners, the study found.
Yet barely a fifth (22 percent) of women who had ten or more partners went on to feel highly satisfied in marriage, according to the National Marriage Project at Virginia University, in the US.
“This association was not statistically significant for men,” it said. But while the husbands may appear to do very well out of the findings, there is a downside – and one that is not too flattering for men.
For, in attempting to explain the reason for the trend, the study’s authors said the more experience a woman has had of other partners, may increase her awareness of alternatives – quite possibly better ones.
“A strong sense of alternatives is believed to make it harder to maintain commitment to, and satisfaction with, what one already has,” says co-author Professor Galena Rhoades of the Denver University’s psychology department.
“Marriage involves leaving behind other options, which may be harder to do with a lot of experience.” The report adds: “Having had more relationship experiences prior to marriage also means more experience of breaking up. A history of multiple break-ups may make people take a more jaundiced view of love and relationships.”
The study tracked the relationships of 1 294 men and women aged 18-34 for five years, during which 418 got married.
Professor Rhoades said many young people in “Generation YOLO (you only live once)” believe what happens while you’re young won’t affect your future.
“But our research paints a different picture. How they conduct their romantic lives before they tie the knot is linked to their odds of having happy marriages,” she said. - Daily Mail
Now does that explain my wife's unhappiness within her marriage? Perhaps but if this is her second marriage and she's acting the same way she did during her first marriage then how many people did she sleep with before her first marriage and then during her first marriage and after her first marriage and the exact same questions apply for her second marriage..... there will be no happiness for her in any marriage ( even at number 50 ) until she realises that her biggest problem lies within her.

Thursday, August 7, 2014


This is a story where I really have no idea where to begin but the answer itself lies in the title I suppose. We know the old saying which goes "guns don't kill people, people kill people" and basically it's really the same with anything and everything including Facebook. You can't blame Facebook for the actions of the people using it just as you can't blames guns for killing people but rather the people using it..... anyway here's:

To call my wife innocent in any way shape or form would be like comparing the Devil to a lamb, that's just wrong so let's not tread there shall we, instead let's look at what happens when you take Facebook ( and honestly any social media ) and give it to someone who has no moral or religious boundaries.
I first met my second wife ( the one in question ) via Facebook. She sent me a "friend request" and that's how the ball got rolling so Facebook is in actual fact the way the whole entire mess I'm in, got started. Till then my use of Facebook was to keep up and in touch with old friends and family because I was living so far away but what I was about to learn from my wife was ( and possibly may always be ) ... perhaps let's just say that shocking is an understatement!
Here's just a small list of things she used Facebook for and believe me, I've summarised this list as far as possible:
1. Hooking up with married and single men to have sex
2. Arranging for all kinds of drugs and various different substances.
Now as per point 1, once again upon reading her Facebook messages it became very apparent like a smack in the face, the type of woman I had married. Nearly every man that she had sex with was married! Add to that the fact that she herself was a married woman and you would think again but not in her case.
She managed to get work, money and other things, all thanks to these married / engaged and sometimes gentlemen ( but mostly other women's men ) who knew that her greatest talent, unfortunately for me and all her loved ones, lay between her legs. I must also say that I would be doing a great injustice if I didn't mention that she has a penchant for Indian men. What an industry she's established. She could literally get anything her heart desired using Facebook. Can't blame a girl for using her skills now can we and what great skills they are! ( That's first-hand experience talking ).
Let's go to point 2 for a moment shall we, the arranging of drugs... she would arrange for drugs for herself or meet someone for drugs. These drugs were only limited to her imagination as she really has tried and tested nearly every drug known to mankind! Now imagine what kind of damage someone like this can do both to themselves and to others but such is the way life as I've gotten to know it has become.
Now just for a second stop and ponder this what happens if she met up with these men ( who as I said before all belong to other women ) and brought the 2 points together ala drugs and sex, which I'm almost certainly sure has been the case. Was it a case of "leave your wife for tonight, get us drugs and I'll have sex with you"? Who knows, only she and the multitude of men she's slept with along the way can tell you.
The irony is that when one glances at her Facebook profile, you see nothing there that really lends itself to the person who she truly is and one actually ( like myself ) may even believe that she possesses an ounce of goodness and innocence but woe to anyone who falls into that web of lies because bubbling under this faƧade is one hell of a mess of a person! she has zero moral and zero care for anyone or anything in her way. Stand in her way and she will take you out. For any guy reading this, this is the kind of girl your mother warned you about.
OK so I married this person, what now? Well the first thing I did when I learnt of these things was to find a way to distance her from these negative influences and we agreed that she should stay off Facebook and various other social media. The agreement went well until about a month ago, I left for home to spend time with my mother in Uitenhage. It was then that all hell broke loose once again because barely a few days, and in my absence, she started using Facebook, Whatsapp and everything under God beautiful sun!
She then shouts and screams at me with rant of "you're trying to control me" and "no more control" plus a whole lot of other things which I won't go into and all this as a reason for her to commit all kinds of heinous things via Facebook. She called me a couple of days ago, apologising and saying she was wrong etc etc but that is after 3 weeks of unsupervised Facebook action.
Now when I met her she had already given birth to 3 beautiful children and now one of mine, so you can imagine someone of her character who is able to access all the drugs in the world and all the married men in the world can do unabated. My heart breaks when I think of all the potential she has or the type of mother she is to all her children but honestly what can I do? She has the wool pulled over her own family's eyes so no one sees anything of what she does and all her lies are believed.
Unfortunately this is my wife and I still see good in her, whilst I know that's ridiculous, there's a light that still glimmers inside me hoping that she'll see how wrong she is and make herself right in order to be a good mother to her children, a good wife to her husband, a good daughter to her parents and a good sister to her siblings..... but that light is flickering. I'm the ass who was dumb enough to believe in a drug addict, a woman with no morals whatsoever and someone who in actuality is a pathological liar, Who's really fooling who?
So this story ends with the same question it began with:

Sunday, July 6, 2014


This story is perhaps one that confuses maybe the most out of everything. Wife 2 had a drug problem and amongst other things suffers to walk the social and religious moral boundaries in so many aspects. No matter how many sins she's committed I've always tried to see the best aspects of her even if they're entirely in my head though many times to my own detriment. They say hindsight is 20/20 so I'm guessing this next story as with so many should've been a tell-tale sign to me but anyone that knows me, knows I rationalize things in my head so that the other person appears better than what they really are. Without further ado, here's:


So about 2 years ago, my wife worked for a petrochemical pump management company in Alrode, Johannesburg. The company, like so many encouraged good health and so on and one of these episodes had them have free HIV testing. Like so many companies this is a good practise and all employees are encouraged to take part, after all, it is a good thing to know your HIV status.

My wife, being part of management, obviously had to lead by example and take the test in an effort to get all employees involved thus leading by example. So she had her test. These days these test are very quick and within the hour you'll know your result. For me, however, I never doubted her result from the onset, knowing that she is a married woman and even after her many affairs and cheating, I still never believed she'd get a positive result.

She came home that day with a certificate of sorts which proclaimed her status as HIV negative and that she had "passed' the test and like I said it wasn't a surprise to me but her elation and over enthusiasm made me ponder. Of course I was happy but why was she so over the moon?

Then she went to her parents and proclaimed her excitement over her negative status showing her entire family her certificate. This made me wonder even more and to this day I still do and quite possibly till I lay dying on my deathbed, I may not fully understand why she had to really celebrate her "victory" over the HIV test?

If you're not sleeping around and neither is your husband then this test shouldn't even be a worry should it? Why would you be so over-the-moon that you passed an HIV test if you're not promiscuous or even had a blood transfusion in the past few months or even been sharing needles with fellow drug addicts because isn't that how HIV is contracted? The only reason you would marvel at your negative status, frankly, is because you have been sleeping around, or had a blood transfusion or even shared needles with your fellow drug addicts and weren't sure about your status isn't it?

I know, without a doubt that if I took the HIV test that I'd be declared HIV negative as I've always known throughout my life thanks to always being careful and making sure of things etc. I've had at least 3 HIV tests over the past 7 years and I don't even think it ever crossed my mind to call my mother or family members and boast at the fact ...

My question then is, what the hell was I missing because of her over exuberance at the fact that:

I don't think that even I could handle the answer to the question swirling around in my head, would you? Oh and don't think for one second that I believe passing an HIV test makes anyone a good person especially if they're living a sexual promiscuous lifestyle.... just saying.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014


The emotional pain that I have inside me almost seems bountiless at times, like a sea of eternal darkness where no destination is chartered or any protection from the cruel elements is given. There are some stories of things that have happened in my life that I will never ever know the answer to and this story once again is one of those, and sadly, I know I could never ever get over the devastion my heart and soul has felt and nor will I ever know the truth behind the events that transpired as even tonight I, 3 years later, have gotten yet another version of these events from my wife. Here's the accounts as I was told ...


So around January 2010, my wife says she thinks she may be pregnant because she knows when she's pregnant. We had then been only married for a few weeks and like any father to be, this was some of the greatest news I had ever heard and I had no doubt that she knew exactly what she was talking about because she had already given birth to 3 kids before.

We went to a chemist in Melville, Johannesburg. The chemist was one of those that was open a little later than the others and I went in and bought the pregnancy test. We then went to the KFC, close to Campus Square, where she went in and 'completed' the pregnancy test. She came out to the car where I waited, climbed in and told me the good news.

Almost as though God himself had given me a vision to see the future, I asked her whether she was going to keep the child ( which obviously I wanted ) or abort it, as that seemed to be the depth of depravity which glazed across her drug filled eyes. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said she wanted to keep it and I was more than satisfied with that answer. Perhaps the word I'm looking for is elated or as a phrase, best feeling that I had ever felt and I'm sure that any father would agree and tell you that news of a child is the best news any married man could get, especially with someone who had his heart.

I'm going to jump ahead a little bit here and tell you that one day she just stopped contacting me ( remembering that she didn't live with me at the time ), she stopped seeing me, stopped answering my calls. I wept the first night and my heart was torn. Where was my wife, my pregnant wife? What would happen now? Would I ever see my child or her again?

Now here lies a story within a story which I will cover again when I have the time but unbeknownst to me, she had hooked up with her previous boyfriend, who coincidentally was also feeding her drug habit. So one day I get an early morning call and she said she was spotting and that she would like to see a gynaecologist. Firstly, I was surprised at having heard from her at all and secondly, what man wouldn't want to hear from his wife and mother of his future child?

I agreed and picked her up at her house. She told me that she knows there are good doctors at Lenmed facility in Lenasia. I then took her there, driving all the way from Centurion. I was happy that once again I was reunited with her and everything that had happened prior was almost certainly forgiven. We went to the gynae who inspected her and the only problem I found was when the doctor asked when the last time we had sex was ... to save her virtue I said Tuesday, it was Friday, and the doctor frowned. She then said, if that were true then there's a lot of extra, let's say 'fluid' there. My heart broke yet again because it only meant that perhaps someone else had added their 'fluid' to the mix.

Well the main thing is that all was fine, the baby was developing well and it's mother was well. We then had lunch and I took her home. It would be perhaps 2 months since I would see her again but through no fault of mine but rather because she once again ceased communication and cut me totally out of her life barring me from seeing her or finding out about my child.

One morning, as before, she called me and asked me to meet her. I met her at the Caltex garages in Midrand where she had arrived in her parents Jeep and I in my BMW. I parked the car and climbed into hers. Yet again I was ecstatic that I was in her presence again. I was consumed by my love for her and I mean that in the best meaning of the word. I hugged her, bought us something to eat and sat by her. She had something she had to tell me and I was all ears. Here's Version 1 of the story:

After showing me a sonar of the baby, a picture, she said that our son, Aryaan, that was the name we had chosen, was no longer there. There were complications and she had aborted our child for medical reasons. This story she apparently had shared with her parents also. It made sense, it was well rounded and totally believable.

My heart broke! I mean you could never feel that kind of pain or even begin to imagine what that would feel like, unless perhaps you've been in this exact same position. I really can't express to you the feeling of loss and dread I had eating me up inside. I fought the tears and I fought hard but my fighting wasn't enough and we both sat and cried. I thanked her for letting me know and life moved on. 

Later on Version 2 of the story appeared and it went like this:

Her father and family had found out that she was pregnant. Now because she already had three children to take care of, without any job or money, her father had, in her mind, influenced her to have an abortion and that it would've been a huge strain on the family, financially if they had to take care of yet another child. What kind of future would the child have? How would they get by?

This story angered me and obviously made me hate her father, parents and family! You would've felt the same way trust me. What kind of morality is that? Who teaches their children to abort babies for reasons such as that? I was horrified and sickened. Version 1 was easily swallowed but knowing a healthy foetus was killed for such a stupid reason because I could obviously support the child made know sense to me.

Now before you start thinking about this too much, let me relate Version 3 to you...

Ok so I mentioned before that I didn't know that she was seeing her ex-boyfriend again. Why would I? She was my newly married wife? Nobody's that morally devoid are they? Well Version 3 goes around that. She was seeing her boyfriend and they were doing drugs together and partying like life was the best it could ever be. In order for her to continue her relationship with him, she couldn't have my child because, God forbid, how would that look? She also told me that since she hadn't seen me or heard from me, it didn't make sense for her to have my child and she decided to abort the child. How many husbands do you think would love to hear such a story. Now because she appeared extremely honest and open, I believed this story and I suppose would've always believed it until one day she told me about Version 4....

Here's Version 4. She had to have the abortion because she had taken so much drugs and partied so hard with her boyfriend that the baby had become deformed inside her. There was nothing anyone could do to save the baby and our child's life was ended due to this. This version enraged me totally. It had been her own actions that had ended the life of my child! How irresponsible was that? What kind of person would do that? She had 3 kids already so why would she do this to our baby? Again because she said this was the truth and was open about it, I appreciated the truth and forgave her somewhat in my heart.

So throughout 2011, this is what I was fed about the loss of our child. It is now June 2014 and now another story had popped up. What infuriates me the most is, she has been the one telling me the reasons she had the abortion, no one else but each time the story is told it changes it seems to fan her ego and make her come across as the better person so once again tonight, 24th June 2014, 3 years after I put all this as fact in my heart, she gives me Version 5! Yes there's a Version 5!!!

Here's the new improved 2014 Version of the abortion and murder of my child.... wait for it, it now goes like this:

So after all the pain and anguish I felt over the past 3 years, this is the reason I get now. Apparently, she now tells me that all the other stories, I had perceived the way I told them and, get this, she told me those fantastic stories because that's exactly what I expected from her?!!!!!!!! What the hell?!

Ok so I'm going to tell you why this story is perhaps the biggest lie of them all:

1. Her family, friends and I know she had been sleeping around - FACT
2. She was using a ton of drugs at the time - FACT
3. There was a baby and then there wasn't - FACT

Perhaps I should leave you the reader to figure this one out because I can tell you that she's now able to act as though anything she has done prior to recent events were all a figment of my twisted imagination and to that I can only shake my head and say, I wish it was.....

Maybe God will reveal the truth to me one day but clearly a woman who can lie, cheat and throw all moral to the wind as though it were nothing, is someone whose very words cannot be trusted or am I wrong? How would you feel if you were me? What would you have done? Does anyone deserve to go through and be put through this kind of hell?

Sunday, May 11, 2014


You may need a second opinion on this one if you're not sure but common sense should tell you how wrong this 1 LINER is from Wife 2 ..... and it goes a little something like this, remembering she was an extremely frequent drug user, extremely frequent and this should help explain the mentality of this woman. Please try not to laugh too loud when your read this!

These are her words not mine and I wish I was making it up.


I've heard people say that if you don't respect money you'll end up poor. In my life I have been homeless, had money and I can tell you I honestly believe that money can't buy love or happiness. These things come from inside yourself. Realistically I do understand that we can only make our way in this world with money.

I worked myself up from a little casual in a retail store to eventually become a regional manager as well as a store manager with the same company. I have worked myself up through the ranks and all the while earning a salary and watching that grow. Times were often tough in the beginning but as my career flourished so did my annual income. After 13 years I had bought myself a brand new 3 series BMW and I could buy whatever I wanted.

Now conversely you must imagine there are people that have no appreciation or understanding of money, people who have never slaved a day in their lives as I have done. People who have no respect for money and amassing things. The kind of mentality that will forever drive themselves to the depths of despair whilst still having the ability to earn money. Strange right? Wrong, this is a norm for some ... here's a story to show you what money does to some people and how their own mind's make them poor.

My second wife when we met told me these immortal words which are forever etched into my mind

"I am a strong, independent woman who can take care of myself and my children and I just need someone to love me"

Let me tell you something, that couldn't have been further from the truth! She had 3 children yes but as for strong and independent.... what a load of BS! She had never lived by herself a day in her life, even as a married woman, she made her and her husband live with her parents. She wasn't even independent enough to live on her own married or not and perhaps to her benefit but she wasn't even close to independent! She squandered her money on men and drugs and had no savings to show for it. She never had a job longer than 5 years and since I met her could only keep a job for a few months before getting fired with 1 job lasting for a month.

So in 2012 she got a job. I will stray from the details for now as that will form part of a few other stories, anyway to help her out, I loaned her my BMW to get to and from work with the agreement that she would pay the instalment of the car for the length of time she used it and she agreed. She even tried to get a car of her own and that didn't work so she used my car.

Work from the start was a problem to her. The issues began just barely a few days in. Barely a few months into this new job and she was squandering her cash. So much so that every single month I had to loan her money to the tune of between R1500 - R3000 and I was living off my own provident fund which I received from my company upon leaving.

I bought her a beautiful wedding ring, bought her clothing, underwear, you name it. I never hesitated for a second. In the back of my mind, I pondered how I was going to refill my account since I myself had no job but that's where the thought stayed. So she's driving my BMW like a queen, doing her thing like she worked for it and living large, all the while disrespecting money as though it flowed like water.

Then one day coming home she and I were chatting on the phone while she was driving home. I asked her to end the conversation and focus on her driving since it was raining and I considered it very dangerous. It wasn't long after that I received a call to say she was involved in an accident and the car was smashed. I immediately made arrangements for her to be assisted since I had no way to get to her.

It turns out that the BMW that I had worked so hard for and dreamt about was smashed and not only that it was a write-off. The car was gone. She hadn't been hurt except for a concussion. I paid petrol money to a friend, who generously drove us to police stations and helped us with the children. Thinking that without a car our lives would be thrown into upheaval and she wouldn't be able to get to work, I assisted her in trying to get a car but once again she had no luck whatsoever. I paid cabs to take us where we wanted to go, all the while watching my bank account get depleted more and more.

I then put together the last of my money which I was keeping as a startup for my own business, which was around R24000 and bought her a 1995 Honda Ballade. Needless to say that car was stolen under her watch also. When her work took back her phone, I lent her my Blackberry phone to use and lo and behold while shopping with her children the phone was stolen out of her bag!

She received a payout once she lost her job for her own idiocy and inability to work as part of a team as well as lack of work ethic. That too got depleted and was gone as soon as she got it with me at least getting a laptop. Things then went down as one would expect it to. I had to sell the wedding ring I bought her as well as my Playstation 3. As you can well see money doesn't last in this woman's hands but all the while whether under the wrongful belief of her own subconscious wiring and self-righteousness.

I have lost more to this woman than to anyone ever in my entire life. My brother had warned me before saying that my uncle had supported such a woman and once she and her children had taken every cent from him, he became worthless to them and they left, leaving my uncle  with barely a dime to his name. I told my brother my wife wasn't like that and guess what, once my money was up, I suddenly became worthless.

Even now if you ask her about what I'd done for her with my money, whether it be lending cash to her parents or buying her kids things, she will tell you she had absolutely no part to play in it and as for all the things I've lost, she's crashed etc she will gladly tell you that it was money I owed her for the rent for staying with her! I now sit with a zero bank account and get to watch her squander every cent which I earn while she pretends with my money.

Can anyone tell me please where the hell the real person is who said:
"I am a strong, independent woman who can take care of myself and my children and I just need someone to love me"

because after 4 years of being married to this woman I still haven't seen strength, independence and as for love, let's just say it comes in drips and drabs... The biggest lie she's ever told has been the one she told herself! Here's the best part after emptying my provident fund and taking the R5000 I earn now every month she'll tell me that a man's duty is to support his family, so what kind of a man am I? Oh and my favourite line is also "I never told you to spend a cent on me". WHAT A FRIGGING JOKE!

Why complain, it's only money right?

Stay tuned for episode 2 of GOLDDIGGER: A 21 CENTURY STORY... 

Sunday, April 13, 2014


I have always thought I had surrounded myself with good people throughout the 34 or so years in my existence in this world, that is until I met wife number 2. My mind however, cannot rationalise why anyone would lie or tell stories, so when someone tells me a story that I personally can't understand or fathom, I try to break the story up so that I can make it ... more digestable and then convince myself the story could be true.

Now here's once again a story that only fools or drug users / addicts may believe. I swear the story I'm about to tell you was told with the people involved believing everything as the 'honest to God' truth and may also perhaps explain the intelligence levels of those involved or perhaps just the twisted imagination of people who are high.... judge for yourself.

So one night I felt like just doing something fun but seeing as I was tired from a 10 hour shift as a retail store manager, I needed to just unwind and relax. I decided to take my wife to drive-in. Now as I've explained before we lived in different parts of Gauteng. My wife lived in Johannesburg with her parents and 3 kids, from her prior marriage and I lived in Centurion, Pretoria or Tshwane as it's now known. She also had to have her 'best friend' Reza fetch her and drop her off by me.

Anyway so this night we were on our way to the drive-in. As I drove my wife decided to tell me why she had reservations about going to the drive-in now as opposed to the many times before that we had gone there together. She then proceeded to tell me the strangest, well let's just say fantasy story I had ever heard in my life and as you know she had many such stories. This story ranks up there with the best of them.

She told me that when patrons visited the drive-in and parked Nigerians would suddenly appear from nowhere and grab the cars occupants. The so-called victims were then drugged and taken far out of the city limits to the small lakeside town of Hartebeespoort where they were then exploited and sold off as sex slaves.

I looked at her and asked her where she had heard such a ludicrous story because we had been there so many times before without seeing or hearing about any incidents at all? I had not read a single newspaper article or seen anything on television about such a story. Such a story would be huge global news, I'm sure. She then said that Reza had told her this. I shook my head in amazement, truly shocked. What a totally wild story. Anyone who has ever heard a story like this knows you should call the bluff or risk the other person believing such crap so when we finally arrived at the drive-in in Randburg, I asked the cashier at the box-office if he had ever heard such a story before.

The cashier, shook his head in disbelief and then said in all the years he had worked at the drive-in he had never encountered any problems or even heard of such a thing. I then turned to my wife and confirmed with her whether or not she had heard what was said and she nodded. That night she jumped at almost every sound she heard outside the car.

Just goes to show you how gullible drug addicts / drug users are and to be honest, this was one of the least incredible stories I was ever told but to these idiots, this was the gospel truth! Geez!

Saturday, April 12, 2014


Some stories are harder to tell as I think I still am making heads or tails of them. At that moment when things don't make sense, you get lost in all the confusion caused by an explosion of emotion, anxiety and the puzzle of soul - tearing pain. It seems the old adage that hindsight is 20/20 rings true because it is only when we distance ourselves from these events that the underlying truths start getting revealed. So without further ado, here's Running, Screaming, Hostage Taking and of course, The Police.....

June 2011
I phoned my wife and told her we've got to talk. She had been vanishing recently, coming home late and a whole lot of other things were not making sense. The conversation was not going well and suddenly instead of the arrogant sound in her voice, I detected a faint tinge of fear and reluctance. We had to sort things out, things were getting out of control and I honestly needed to piece things together before they flew totally out the window.

I finished work and drove home to my townhouse in Centurion, Pretoria I was tired when I entered the house. My wife was busy making something in the kitchen and our baby daughter lying drinking her bottle in her cot in the other room. I then decided to voice my opinions and start the process of figuring things out. I pulled a chair into the middle of the lounge and told my wife to sit down. I then locked the front door and said we were going to sit down and have a serious conversation about our lives because thing were definitely wrong between us. I put the house keys in my pocket.

"What the hell is going on?"

It was then that our baby daughter started to cry in the bedroom. My wife went to the bedroom but the crying continued. She turned to me and told me that the baby was crying for her favourite toy which had been washed and was hanging on the washing line. I gave her the keys so that she could fetch the white rabbit.

Distracted by the crying child, I hadn't noticed that 10 minutes had passed since my wife had said she was going to fetch the toy. Eventually when the baby had calmed down, I walked to the washing line outside. No one was there. I walked into the yard and no one was there. I walked the entire circumference of the house with her not anywhere. I then walked into the house and checked each of the rooms ensuring that perhaps she hadn't walked back into the house and I hadn't noticed.

Nope, she was nowhere to be found. I then called her cellphone but got no answer. Where was she? I had no idea what was going on. I then dressed my daughter warmly, put her into her car seat, strapped her in and climbed into my car.

I drove around the estate in which I lived. Around in circles. Checking everywhere. I tried calling my wife over and over but the phone rang. This continued for a while until I decided to give up because I had no idea where she was. I then went to the security gate where 2 security guards had been stationed and asked them whether or not they had seen a woman come by on foot. At that moment I saw a police van stop and didn't give it much notice until they asked the guard about the address I stayed at.

I then told the police officers that I lived at that address and they said I must drive to there and that they're coming with. Now I was totally befuddled and immensely confused. I didn't have the faintest idea what was going on or what was about to happen. I drove to my townhouse, then took my daughter out of her car seat, all this while the police watched. I then opened the door and invited them in. Putting my daughter in the cot, I then asked the police officers what the problem was.

One sat with a rifle while the other stood. The one sitting then told me that we all are going to wait. Wait? Wait for what, I thought to myself. I then offered them coffee but they then asked only for water. At least 10 long minutes passed and then another police van pulled up. My wife arrived in the other van with another police officer and like the others had his weapon drawn also.

It was at this point that I asked her:
"What the hell is going on?"
She started literally ranting and raving! I heard an amazing story that I was going to drown her in the bath to which she showed them our bathroom. She then pointed to the jug on the counter table saying that was the water I was going to use to drown her?!!! The jug could possibly hold 1 litre of water at the most. I still was very confused about what was going on. Suddenly our baby started crying and I went to the cot and lifted her in my arms to try and calm her down.
My wife then entered with the police and they said that I must give them the baby. I was starting to get very frustrated and annoyed because no one has as yet explained what was going on to me. I responded to the police by saying that they would have to arrest me before I gave them my child. They then insisted and realising the entire gravity of the situation I slowly handed over the child to her mother and then I was ordered to go with them to the closest police station in the area.
I got into my car while my wife got into one of the 2 police van that had been parked outside, lights flashing. One of the policeman had then climbed in next to me, with the gun between his legs and told me to drive, while the other vans followed me. that's about 5 police officers all to come fetch me and stop me from drowning my wife? The absurdity of the situation was amazing. Who's fighting real crime if it takes 5 police officers and 2 vans to come fetch a man and his baby because of one delirious woman?
Upon arriving at the police station I was then escorted to the into the police station. Chapter 2 of my drama was about to begin. Now that I was in the rather empty police station a female officer was apparently the on-duty station commander for the evening. She then told me that I had to find a place to stay for the night and that a judge would assist my wife in filing a protection order against me?!!! I asked why would anyone do this, and she then answered saying that my wife had come in there and went on and on about her husband was trying to kill her! I said that was not true and then she replied that a judge would make up his mind on what to do further and that they would've assisted me if I was the one who came in screaming my wife was trying to kill me.
I then turned to my wife and told her to tell them that she suffered from bipolar disorder and that she hadn't been taking her meds. This was all in her mind. She then went on and on saying that I was making that up to which the station commander then jumped in with the fact that a judge would sort that out also. I then asked the police if I could have a moment to talk to my wife and they said to ask her. I begged her to tell me what was going on and could we speak together for a moment. She eventually agreed and we were led to a room where the station commander then told her that they were all outside and if she felt the least bit of fear for her life, that they would come in and take me down!
The police left and I looked at her. I begged her to stop her madness and to come home with me. I promised her that I would take her to the doctor the very next day and that she would get the help she needed. She then implied that I was using her bipolar condition against her. I then told her to look at what she's done here tonight, that this wasn't right and again begged for her to come home. Eventually with the strangest, craziest look on her face, she agreed.
We walked out and then told the station commander we were going home. The station commander then handed her her phone number and told her to call her once again at the faintest sign of trouble. I then turned around and asked her why she didn't give me her number in case my life was in danger. She then reluctantly handed me her number as well and said I could call if I felt my life was in danger.
To be totally honest, even today I don't really understand what happened that night, all I know is that she had sent and SMS message to all the contacts in her phonebook on her phone saying the following words:
"Call cops now, he's trying to kill me"
My mother got the same message as well as a few of my other friends. The questions will continue to plague me for the rest of my life. How did she get from our home to the police station? How does the bipolar mind influence one's view of what's happening versus what you think is happening? The police was involved, the complex board was involved as well as all our neighbours. What I can deduce however is that because of the multiple affairs she was having and the new type of people she had begun hanging out with, they had advised her to do these things as a way to leave me for one of her boyfriends and she would get to keep our child.
I'm sure that some people have gone through much worse because of bipolar disorder and I have heard some very interesting and often violent stories on the subject but as I wrote this blog post I cried and sobbed at least twice. I have not had any closure regarding this story and it will always mark the turning point in my life when thing really started changing and the downward spiral of anarchy and entropy had begun to rear it's ugly head.

Thursday, March 6, 2014


My knowledge of drugs is still small in comparison to the people here in Johannesburg, Gauteng. I couldn't really tell you the difference between cocaine, tik / crystal meth or even crack and mind you I wouldn't want to. Drugs are not something that ever had any appeal to me and while others in my circles delved into it, I didn't see a need to alter any of my senses for however long. People will speak of peer pressure but that is a load of bullshit. As far as I'm concerned drug addicts / users are amongst the dumbest and most pathetic people on God's green earth. Having said all this you may wonder where I'm going with this so let me get straight to the point, my wife was hooked on a drug 'Kat' and she would use this drug in her parents home and with her 3 children in the house. Now I speak of kat but honestly she's admitted to using all kinds of other drugs also but I'm not going to focus on them right now but the one she's confessed to using more than most.



Here's a breakdown of this drug from detectadrug.co.za

Kat or Cat commonly refers to two types of drugs.  Although similar, one is the leaf from the shrub catha edulis which contains Cathinone and is also called khat, quat, kat, gat and tchat.  The other is a synthetic powder which contains Methcathinone and also has the street names Jeff in  Russia and Cat in the USA.  The leaves have been chewed for centuries by the people of eastern and central Africa and parts of the Arabian peninsula. They are bought in bundles which one chews on for a few hours after which you get a speed-like buzz.  The active ingredient was isolated in the late 1970's as Cathinone and it was just a matter of time before a synthesised version was made. Kat powder has been on the dance scene in South Africa for a while, sometimes sold in capsules or pressed into tablets, but most often as powder which is snorted.
Cathinone is a natural occurring amphetamine and ephedrine-like substance. Methcathinone is a much more potent form.  Both are psychoactive stimulants and part of the emphetamine family of drugs.  Amphetamines work by triggering the release of dopamine molecules from their storage vesicles in the neurons in the brain. This causes them to flow out to the next neuron in massive quantities. They also block the re-uptake of dopamine but its  understoond that this is not the principle mechanism of its effects. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter that regulates motor behaviour.
Methcathinone can be highly psychologically addictive, and can produce methamphetamine-like withdrawals, which is somewhat less in intensity than methamphetamine. It is highly unlikely for a methcathinone user to experience addiction on their first or even several subsequent administrations of the drug.
White or off-white powder.
Street slang for methcathinone may include terms such as Cat, Stroof, Katestroof, Jeff, Bathtub Speed, Wannabe-Speed, Kitty, Meth's Cat, Meth's Kitten or Marzipan (from smell during synthesis).
In Europe, methcathinone is primarily known as Ephedrone.
In Australia, methcathinone may be known as ketone or bk (beta ketone).
In South Africa it is primarily known as Stroof or occasionally Kat. Other local slang names include Cadillac Express, Wonder Star, Wild Cat, The C or Gaggers.
Methcathinone is usually snorted, but can be smoked, injected, or taken orally.
The effects of methcathinone usually last from four to six hours.
Cat users, like users of crystal and other stimulants, often stay on "runs" for days at a time, then sleep for a day or more before starting another binge.
Methcathinone hydrochloride increases spontaneous rodent locomotor activity, potentiates the release of dopamine from dopaminergic nerve terminals in the brain, and causes appetite suppression. Users can easily forget to consume fluids leading to increased thirst and dehydration. The effects of methcathinone are similar to those of methamphetamine, initially deemed to be less intense by the inexperienced user, and often more euphoric.
The effects have been compared to those of cocaine, since it commonly causes hypertension (elevated blood pressure) and tachycardia (elevated heart rate). Reported effects include:

  ·     Feelings of euphoria

  ·     Increased alertness

  ·     Dilated pupils

  ·     Rapid breathing

  ·     Increased heart rate

  ·     Inability to stop talking

  ·     Increased empathy and sense of communication

  ·     Both decreased and increased sexual function and desire

  ·     Loss of cognitive ability relating to the distinction of relative importance of matters (ie. one might spend days thinking that he or she is being productive but later realize that the activity and/or product was not even necessary)

  Injecting this substance has recently been associated with symptoms similar to those seen in patients with Parkinson's Disease.
Chronic high dosage use may result in acute mental confusion ranging from mild paranoia to psychosis.
Withdrawal symptoms include lethargy, depression, nightmares and tremors.
Overdose on these drugs can result in ‘amphetamine psychosis’, a recognised psychiatric condition. Deprived of sleep and over-stimulated, the user
may panic and become violent, manifesting magnified physical strength. They may feel they have bugs crawling under their skin, and suffer from other delusions and paranoia. Pupils will be enlarged, and heart rate, blood pressure, and temperature will all be increased. Teeth grinding and jaw clenching are common.
Again if you are a drug user / addict or know someone who is, please seek help immediately! Your life is worth more than that and the consequences are far worse than the few moments of disillusion the drugs bring. Get help NOW! I have included a few details below for South Africa, where one can get help with addiction but if you're from another country, Google for your nearest help centre / helpline.

Monday, March 3, 2014


Today's story may fuel many a man's paranoia and I'm sure you've told yourself a million times in any relationship that it can't be like that even though that tiny voice inside you is screaming like a million banshees through every part of your being, soul and heart. Enjoy...

Now when the living situation between a husband and wife is a little different ( like so many other things in my seemingly complicated life ) you learn to use technology to your advantage. She lived in Johannesburg and I lived in Centurion, Pretoria. Things like Whatsapp, Facebook and the like become powerful tools of communication between loved ones living a "distance-challenged" relationship.

This story however encompasses the brilliant Skype program. Skype is an online program, to those of you that may not know, which allows you to amongst other things use your webcam to speak to different parties so that you see them in real-time and enjoy their company as though they were really in front of you. You see them and you hear them depending on your laptop / PC's capabilities.

Ok so the background story is complete, we used Skype to communicate with each other. Some nights we would talk to 3 or 4 am, chit-chatting about this and that and so on. Now one such night we were speaking. She was lying on her bed in her room and I was lying on the couch in my lounge. Now and again one of us would disappear to use the bathroom or to get a snack.

Skype is so accurate that you can literally hear things in the background as clearly as though it were happening right there by you. I'm sure if your volume was loud enough you could hear a whisper. Anyway so this night of chatting to "the love of my life", she tells me she's going to the kitchen to fetch a snack.

Now whether she knew or not, her laptop was facing her headboard, which had mirrors on the side. I'm inclined to believe that she forgot about this and as she put her laptop down I could still see what was going on in the room through reflection in these headboard mirrors.

It was then that I saw her walk past the mirror.... and then another larger figure behind her!!! I then called her. The phone rang and rang. About 5 - 10 minutes later she returned. I went quiet. By now I'm sure you can once again imagine the millions of questions lighting up the neurons in my mind and the fireworks of me questioning what I had just witnessed with my own eyes. Did I really see something or was it my imagination.

I then asked her the extremely pertinent question:

"Who was that behind you?"

She then said there was no one else there. I told her I had seen someone walk out of the room as she had, right behind her and again she denied it and said I was seeing things. My mind was literally scrambled. Had I really seen someone, I mean if someone loves you like they say and as much as you do then they wouldn't lie to you would they. especially one's own loving spouse, right?

I told her that I knew what I had seen and that she was lying to my face. I also said I didn't want to here excuses because someone was there! She then got extremely emotional and carried the laptop to her kitchen. All I saw was the laptop moving and then it was placed down. She sat in front of the laptop, in the front entrance of her parents kitchen and she pulled a very large knife, which she had just taken from the kitchen drawer and started threatening to kill herself because I didn't believe it.

She was crying hysterically and saying that she would swear on the Bible if she had to that no one else was in her room with her and she couldn't understand why I was being so hard on her and that I had trust issues because she really loved me and didn't know how to prove it to me except by hurting herself!

Of course I said whatever I could to stop her from hurting herself. This was the woman who had my heart and I really didn't want to see her come to harm especially if I knew I could stop it, what would you do? I begged and pleaded until she finally agreed to put the knife down. A few hours later, after talking and talking the whole situation was forgotten and we moved on ... or so she thought.

Hell, 2 whole years went by before the truth of that night came out and it went a little something like this.... Apparently her male friend, the one who was in the previous story at the Linden Police station, was in fact in the room with her and I did see him walking past as they exited the room so he could leave and go home. He was there because they were doing drugs in her room, in her parents house and with her 3 children around her!!!

Good mother, good daughter and good wife right? Everybody does this right? This is normal isn't it? Now the questions this raised is what her true relationship with this man was, this so-called firend because at every turn, there he was. It's now been 3 years since that night and I still can't tell you what the extent of her relationship with this man is / was.... your guess is as good as mine!

"Who was that behind you?"

Sunday, March 2, 2014


JUNE 2011 - Hmmm... this story I can only tell to about the halfway point but I guarantee you that it is about as shocking and interesting as any story I have told and have to yet to tell. So here goes nothing and I honestly wish I were making this up or even embellishing this in the least but as the saying goes real-life is more often than not stranger than fiction.

I called my wife and told her I needed her help the next day. Just as a backstory, I was living in Centurion, Pretoria and she was living with her 3 kids from her first marriage at her parents house in Johannesburg. She told me she didn't have a problem meeting me at the BP garage in Bergbron and we agreed for 11am.

Next morning, being my day off from work also, I showered and left the house. At this point in time, I had a fairly new 320i BMW and driving was a total dream. So as I drove, music playing on the radio, I decided to give her a call and find out if things were still on schedule for our meeting and she said she was waiting for her friend Reza who would pick her up at her parents house and drop her off at our meeting point.

Now she lived about a 5 minute drive from the BP garage, so when I got there I parked the car and waited. It was 10:50am so I was still on time and a little early. The at 11:05am I called her again and she said they were about 2 minutes away.

Two minutes turned to 30 minutes! What the hell was going on now? Knowing that she lived 5 minutes away and having heard her tell me that that she was 2 minutes away I was a little more concerned. She to me they were stopped by police at a roadblock and she was talking to them.

Another half hour passed and I was getting upset. I've been stopped at roadblocks before but this was ridiculous and then my phone rang. I answered and a man spoke. It wasn't a voice of anyone I had heard before. He told me that my wife was at the Linden Police Station and that I should come there because she was in trouble.

Linden Police Station? Where the hell was that? Remember I'm not from Johannesburg so I wasn't aware of all these places. I Googled directions and called the police station for directions. I then started driving. My thoughts were becoming more and more erratic as I drove. After many phonecalls for directions and getting lost taking wrong turns, I finally made it to the Linden Police Station in Randburg.

I got out of the car and there I saw my wife. I greeted the 4 or 5 men that stood around her and asked if she was ok. She was. The one thing this woman was good at was talking, and she was talking and talking. It was at this point that one of the police officers told me what had happened. Finally some truth. What followed was yet again shocking an indicative of the type of people I had now let enter my life.

They first asked me:

"Is your wife on drugs or does she have a drug habit?" 

To which I answered that she had done it before but had told me she stopped. They then asked me how sure I was that she was off drugs and I told them I believe she really was. The rest of the story then came out. Apparently she and her friend, also her drug buddy, had taken a turn on the way to meeting me.

He had told her that he had to pay a guy he owed money to. She told me that she was 2 minutes away but clearly that was a lie. She was actually quite a distance away. What he said was money owed was actually him buying drugs from Nigerians in the Randburg area. Unfortunately for them both, this was part of a sting operation by the police and they were both taken by the cops.

It was then that they called me and the rest is history. The cops told me that if I could vouch for her they wouldn't arrest her since she wasn't seen buying the drugs but she however was in the car and that proves intent. I told them about myself and that she wasn't this drug user ( Which by the way looking back now, I couldn't have been more wrong in my entire life ).

At this point they brought out Reza, her friend in handcuffs. They then told me they give me permission to beat the, excuse my language, "shit" out of him. I was so speechless with what was happening that I could only look at him. My wife still talking and talking in the background. This was the most pathetic thing I had ever seen in my entire life. What's with drugs? I still don't get it but this is life I guess.

The police let her go and we both left. My head still reeling with all the crap I had just encountered, the lies I was told by my wife and her mouth still going on and on with no off switch. This was a world I had never in my entire life been exposed to or even these kinds of people but here I was. Seriously, as naive as I was, I had only seen these things in movies but because of the kind of woman I had married, this seemed to be the life I was now innocently sucked into. Yes I had a sheltered childhood perhaps but this was just so wrong.

I then picked up the phone and called her mother, telling her mother everything that had transpired. Her mother was shocked but thanked me for helping her daughter. Clearly her daughter was in trouble. Clearly her daughter had a problem and gullible old me believed every word I was told. I honestly didn't know that drug users / addicts could lie so much or what it took to love a drug addict / user. All I thought was this is my wife, why would she lied to me? Just another day in drugland!

"Is your wife on drugs or does she have a drug habit?" 

Saturday, March 1, 2014


MAY 2011 - So one quiet Sunday afternoon, I'm relaxing on my couch in my lounge, watching TV and taking some necessary R&R from my job as a retail store manager. Stretched out and taking some time to myself I suddenly heard my phone make a sound. I carefully lifted the phone, pondering who would send me a message and desecrate my much needed peace and silence.

Feeling a bit hesitant, at the odd chance it may be a work issue, my heart skipped a beat. I saw it was a text message. Had my store been robbed? Did they need me to come in to work?  These were just a few of the many questions which now plagued me. I immediately sat up took a breath and then checked the message.

Lo and behold it was a "selfie" of my wife in her bra and underwear... confused, I asked what the pic was for? She replied saying she had taken the pic a while back and thought that I would like it. Something inside me didn't click too well or rather let me say something was truly amiss. Now my wife is pretty but that picture was not flattering in the least.

She was wearing a black underwear set of sorts and sitting on the carpet of her room where she stayed with her mother. Her one leg was raised and the other straight out. Problem is that she suffers from a skin disease and throw in some healthy cottage cheese ( cellulite ) and you kind of get an idea of what I'm talking about. Then I asked her the million dollar question:

"Who else did you send it to?"
To which she replied no one else. Again I felt that sinking feeling. She said she had taken the picture a while back but it was for me. Personally, I'm not into those kind of things so the whole episode was just a little puzzling to say the least. I saved the photo.
Months go past and I had totally forgotten about the photo, until one night when again I was relaxing at home and my phone rang. Now I don't know about you but sometimes when the phone rings do you get the feeling that the news is not good? Just sometimes in the very bottom pit of you stomach?
Well that was the feeling I got and then I answered it.
"Asalamu alaykum," the person greeted and then proceeded to ask the strangest question, " is she there? I need to speak to you alone!"
I walked out and heard a story that sickened me to my core. The kind that makes your skin crawl and your hair all over you body stand on end. The person on the other side was my mother. The tale she told was, well then at least, the worst things my ears had ever heard.
So my mom tells me that one of her acquaintances came to see her after calling multiple times and telling her it was an emergency and he had something he must share with her. He told then proceeded to tell her that he was at my youngest brother's house and they were sitting chatting.
Apparently my brother was boasting about how he had bested me and he finally had proof. Laughing he showed my mother's friend the exact same photo of my wife sitting on the carpet in her underwear etc. He then sent the picture to my mom's friends phone so he could see and laugh at this as well.
Then suddenly my mother asked me how long my wife's hair was because in the picture her was short and in her neck, to which I replied it was shoulder length now. My mom then told me that clearly the photo was taken a while back if her hair was longer now. I kept quiet, I remembered this picture clearly. She then told me that the picture was being sent amongst many men in my old hometown and my brother wasn't shy about showing and sending it to strangers.
We greeted and ended the call. My wife was inside the house. I took a deep breath and shook my head in disbelief as I looked upwards into the starry night. Is this really happening? What am I doing wrong? How do I keep screwing up my life with these kind of women? I took another deep breath and walked back into the house.
I looked at her as she sat with our 3 month old child and I asked her, who she sent that picture of her half naked to to which she kept quiet and then answered to no one. I asked her two more times and still got the same answer.
Then I told her my mother had seen the photo and the entire story. She then looked down and uttered the words:
"There's something I need to tell you"
A story I honestly wasn't prepared for unfolded. She had been chatting to my brother on Facebook and had, on his request to see her naked, sent the picture to him. She then continued saying that she and him were friends before we met, she was vulnerable and about 1000 more excuses. The only thing that stuck in my mind was, she was my wife when she had done this!
Imagine the embarrassment of this act, my mother told me, everybody from my hometown where I had grown up had seen this photo and worst of all she sent it to my brother! What's worse? I had never heard of anything like this before. How depraved does someone have to be to do this to their spouse? What the hell goes through someone's head when they do this? Is this normal behaviour? is she some sort of sociopath?
. If I still had the photo then I would post it here for you to see, but unfortunately for me, I don't. Perhaps I could ask any guys who lives in Uitenhage for the photo.....
"Who else did you send it to?"

Thursday, January 30, 2014



When my first marriage ended and my second wife became my focus, somewhere in the loud silence within the far reaches of my mind a tiny light glimmered. The light bearing something earth shattering to knowing myself. How long had this light been there? I really can’t tell you but what started out as a flicker in an abyss of darkness started throbbing and growing.

The light was the realisation which would forever change my thoughts and question my very sanity and the functioning of my heart and soul. The light was the dawning of a sad and honest reflection of who I was truly deep inside and what it was my heart wanted.

Now I could use words such as sadistic and narcissism but I could go on and on about that. The light that I speak of was the knowledge that I seemed to be attracted to a specific kind of woman. Sadly, it seems my life plan had wavered very far of course that I could and still can’t see where it started. How did I get to this? Why did I become like this?

Perhaps it stems in a Freudian fashion back to my own mother and my feelings toward her. My mother was strong and demanding, a true patriarch, the kind of woman who took charge and got things done. The matriarch set the standard for all women in me and my siblings lives to forever bask in that shadow without a chance of getting close to as virtuous or decent as she was.

So how far of course had my path diverged, you may be wondering? What’s so special about my love of a certain kind of woman and the realisation thereof? Let me break it down this way and then you may understand this just a little more:

  • Married for 10 years
  • Had a poor relationship with her parents and family
  • Had sex with her cousin on an ongoing basis
  • Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Manic Depression
  • Suffered a few miscarriages while we were married
  • Was a pathological liar
  • Had 2 children while we were married, one of which I know is mine
  • Slept with different men for the duration of her pregnancies
  • Claimed she slept with her boss so that her review would always be good and not get Any warnings
  • Slept with men in parking lots, our bed and our home
  • Fond of taking any kind of prescription drugs
  • Institutionalised for bipolar disorder
  • Became and married a lesbian / same sex partner whom she met while getting help


  • Was married before and had 3 children divorced at 26
  • Cheated on her first husband many times with a married man
  • Married for nearly 2 weeks before she started cheating
  • Aborted our child because she wanted a relationship with her ex-boyfriend, while we were married
  • Enjoyed being a regular drug user to the point of being an addict
  • Met and slept with men from Facebook
  • Disappeared with my best friend of nearly 20 years for 7 hours and thus ending our friendship
  • Has a strange affinity to her brother the surpasses normal affection
  • Has “daddy issues”
  • Was raped 4 times in her life
  • Is a pathological liar
  • Slept with co-workers and bosses to the point where it’s cost her her career

I could go on and on but I’m sure you get the picture by now. I seem to be attracted to these kinds of women. They show no real love or affection like the rest of us and a relationship with these kind of people are only to the detriment of the other person.

I really have no idea why I’m drawn to these women, it’s not like my mother didn’t warn me against these kinds of women but perhaps somehow, somewhere, I must get off on this. The realisation was definitely an eye opener and also almost certainly may suggest the I may need psychological help from a therapist of some sort to help me out.
I do know that if I'm attracted to anyone it must mean that there's something wrong with the person, a 'spider-sense' if you will or perhaps a specialised radar, but whatever you want to call it, know that it just means that I should probably be better off staying away from that person.

I will ask you this question one more time and this time really think about it for a moment, you cant choose who you love.... or can you?